To my friends, both old and new, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting up with my goofy comics. I hope over the time that you’ve received my work, that a few have managed to make you chuckle at least once or twice…or at least made your junk mailbox seem funnier.
But all bins aside, I only wish the best for you and your family this Christmas or (insert Holiday of your choice here).
It’s funny how as one gets older, you see through the nonsense of Christmas presents and the related consumerism. You realize the true importance of any holiday is relationships.
As we all know from having “A Christmas Carol” drilled into our eyeballs every year, a person can be as wealthy as Midas but still be impoverished if they’ve no one to share their life with.
Therefore like Good King Wenceslas, allow me to show you how much I deeply appreciate you with the following cheerful wishes:
May your ills and worries quickly fade like that damn rock poster which you spent good money on.
May you stop spending money on shoddy merchandise, like that poster.
May you have enough snow to enjoy a good toboggan ride but not enough to hamper your flight to Hawaii.
May your holiday vacation be relaxing and peaceful, free from unwelcome guests and smelly relatives, who hopefully had their trip canceled by snow.
May you be as strong as an ox but not smell like one.
May you receive a decent night’s sleep.
May the neighbor’s kid whose unmuffled car wakes you up at every night around 3A.M. find a good job …out of state.
May the neighbor who thinks a Trump flag is a valid Christmas holiday decoration get a visit from The Ghost of Christmas Future to tell his silly ass what’s what.
May the yule log fire warm you, but if that doesn’t work, may the local liquor store be open.
May your family holiday meals be tasty and filling, but not too filling, since you need to leave room for Aunt Betty’s pecan pie, no matter how much you hate pecans, because you’re still angling for a mention in her will.
May the Latkes and the Sufganiyot not be too greasy and the Kugel have just the right amount of sweetness, or savoriness, depending on your Uncle Moishe’s fickle tastes because god knows nobody wants to hear him ramble on yet again about how his Bubbe made the best Kugel.
May you not forget the Applesauce for the Latkes.
May any relative who starts complaining about how dry or fatty the brisket is be suddenly stricken with lockjaw.
May you remember to check the expiration dates on your can goods so that you can avoid lockjaw.
May your boss give you an extra paid week off just so you can “catch up on your binge-watching.”
May the CEO of your company see you’re immensely more qualified than your boss.
May you one day encounter a magical genie who states that, because he likes you, he’ll grant you a few extra wishes.
May you not blow one of those wishes by wishing for a replacement rock poster.
And most of all, May you have a great holiday and a Happy New Year!
But wait! There’s more Holiday Cheer below…
One a related holiday note, my dog Zeke would also like to wish you well.
Little Zeke always looks forward to every Christmas since he knows it’ll bring him lots of doggy bones and treats.
He makes sure to write Santa as soon as possible to assure that the old man receives his Christmas gift list.
I assume there must be at least one elf at the North Pole who can translate his letter.
Zeke also likes to play the calendar odds and hope for a Hanukkah gift when he can get one.
However sadly, the one thing Zeke wasn’t expecting this year was a visit to the Vet. The little guy had to have 7 teeth pulled and now it’ll be nothing but mushy dog stew until the beginning of January.
“Sorry, buddy, Santa sent an I.O.U. on bones and treats for next Christmas. But look at the bright side; You get this nifty blow up donut collar instead! It’s cool! It looks like your going on a flight! Far out!”
“Not buying that are ya, Zeke? …Yeh, I didn’t think so. Here, have a piece of soft cheese to gum.”
Catch ya next year!
Merry Fesitivus to my dear friend Ed. You are rich in friendship and love.
Xcellent Xmas, Chappy Chanukah and a Hippie New Year! May the 1/6 findings come down Mandarin Orange's chimney.