Court Sketch Crumple - Week 4 and 5 of the Trump Trial
Here's my remaining sketches from the trial before everything went to hell.
I was meaning to post sketches from last week’s events at the Trump trial, but time got away from me as I spent the whole weekend hanging out with my skid-row SRO roommate and pal, Stinky Pete.
There will be more about that in a follow up post, but for now here’s my latest round of courtroom sketch coverage of the Trump election interference/Hush Money trial.
Stormy Daniels Testimony
Last week on Tuesday, ex-pornstar Stormy Daniels took the stand in the trial.
Upon hearing her and Trump’s sexual exploits, the jury learned the true cost of “civic duty.” One juror, who had to be ushered out on a stretcher during the lunch break, could be heard moaning, “silk pajamas and old spice….aaargh…silk pajamas and old spice…”
During Stormy's testimony, Eric Trump tried to distract jurors with his astounding chainsaw juggling skills. As usual, Daddy paid zero attention to him.
On Thursday of last week, Stormy concluded her testimony, which seemed to be themed around shrinkage; shrinking lies, shrinking egos, and shrinking Trump defenses.
Michael Cohen Testimony - Monday
On Monday of this week, after spending the weekend at one of his cult rallies, where he lauded praise on cannibal and serial killer Hannibal Lecter, Donald Trump had the brilliant idea to arrive in court in true Hannibal cosplay style.
He said since the Judge was “gagging” him (he wasn’t.), he might as well physically express this restraint.
The judge showed his restraint and told his lawyers to wheel Donald to the bathroom where he could change out of the costume.
His lawyers asked if that was truly necessary, since this getup gave them a break from Trump’s constant micromanaging and dumb note passing.
Trump appeared to also regret the outfit choice when he realized he couldn’t grasp his trusty black sharpie.
In attendance at Monday’s trial were a vast array of Trump minions, bootlickers and flunkies. When they weren’t sneering at Michael Cohen, the notable Republicans were battling it out for the coveted V.P. Role. It was a vicious hair puller between Senator Tim Scott and Governor Kristi Noem, but the smart money was being placed on the real bruiser taking place with Senators J.D. Vance and Tommy Tuberville.
Bailiffs wanted to stop the melee, but in a rare agreement, both Judge Merchan and Donald Trump said not to bother since it would sort itself out.
Michael Cohen Testimony - Tuesday
While many of the Republicans who showed on Tuesday were dressed in matching ill-fitting “Trump Blue” suits and ridiculously long red ties, House Speaker Mike Johnson arrived in a splendid sequined floral number complete with a matching feather boa.
On his entrance he exclaimed with girlish glee, “This is THE social event of the season! It’s more monumental than the Met Gala! SPIN, Darling, Spin!”
Once Prosecutors had firmly established Michael Cohen’s status as “go-between and fixer” to hide Trump’s various philanderings, it was Defense’s turn to start hammering into Cohen.
Defense Lawyer Todd Blanche began with questions that attempted to poke holes into Cohen’s credibility and his change of allegiance from Donald Trump. However in a strategic move that baffled everyone, Blanche moved on to ask Cohen if he once called Trump a "Cheeto-dusted cartoon villain?"
"Sounds like something I would say," Cohen said.
Blanche then produced a board with rules written on it for a “Trump Nickname Generator.” He asked Cohen if he created this and why. Cohen confirmed that he created it while in prison as to amuse his fellow inmates.
“After all,” Cohen sarcastically asserted, “You gotta do something to pass the time of day in the slammer.”
Blanche then asked, “Did you also call my client a Boiled Ham in a wig?”
“Yes.”
“Comrade Cheeto-lino?”
“Yep.”
“Failed Mail-Order Meat Salesman?”
“Sure enough.”
“Groper-in-Chief? …King of the Oompa Loompas? …Diaper Donny Fiasco? ...Terrible Tiny Fingered Tangerine? …Grabito Pussolini? …The Golfing Hate Yam? …The Combover of Con Artists? …Demented Orange Cheez-us? …Melania’s Meatheaded Meal Ticket? …Lord Lardass? …Putin’s Putrid Puppet?”
It was at this point Judge Merchan interrupted Blanche. He asked him what was the reasoning behind this line of questioning.
Blanche glanced over and pointed to Donald Trump, who was dead asleep, snoring and farting up a storm. Blanche then spoke with defeated resignation, “No reason, your Honor, other than my partners and I have learned ‘Sleeping Poo-ty’ here intends to stiff us on the bill for our services.”
“Ha! Good luck collecting!” Cohen quipped.
Upon hearing that, Judge Merchan declared the trial adjourned for the day.
And Now the Bad News
I was mid-sketch at the end of the day’s trial when I received a text from Maury Stinklestein, the editor of The Daily Brooklyn Bugler.
He informed me that all staff and freelancers had been fired and that the paper was shutting down. I asked if he at least got a check cut for the time I’ve spent making courtroom sketches.
Shortly after I sent that text, I found that Maury had blocked my phone number.
I considered whether I should track down Maury so that I might give him a serious thrashing with my sketchbook. Instead, after court, I quickly headed back to the Gowanus canal and the fleabag SRO motel room that Maury acquired for me. I figured I better collect my belongings and sneak out before they got wind of Maury’s unreliability of payment for the room.
It’s a shame this gig ended. I was really starting to get somewhere with my renders of Trump and his noxious knaves. Most notably, I started to take note of the ever-desperate Eric Trump. It’s so obvious that he wants to be Daddy’s favorite. But alas, he’ll be forever doomed to be second banana, a victim of the middle child blues.
As for me, this story of my travels to NYC and meeting Stinky Pete continues in a post that will be hitting your email box in a day or two.
Until then, cheers.
Ed
In case you missed my other stories about this trial, check out the following:
Who told Johnson to show up in a dress? And did Eric end up cutting himself while juggling the chainsaws?
Why I thought I could read and peruse this while sipping my second cup of coffee I have no ffg idea. Both the cat and my phone screen have been baptized. Hope you’re happy dammit