Day 5 - Trump Trial Tongue Twisting Tales

Plus Don the Con gives a fashion show.

Last Friday, the parsimonious editor of The Daily Brooklyn Bugler insisted that I hang around New York to continue my coverage of Trump’s Hush Money/Financial Crimes Trial.

The Bugler put me up for the weekend at a dingy SRO conveniently near the Gowanus Canal and next to a garbage dump.

I shared a room, and bed, with a guy named “Stinky Pete.” He was cordial enough, as long as I kept him well-supplied with fifths of Irish Rose Whisky.

I tell ya, the high flying days of journalism have really hit bottom.

Anyhow back to the trial…

On Monday, I arrived bright and early, albeit a bit smelly, to the courtroom.

Everyone was bristling with excitement to see the day’s events unfold. As we sat there chatting, “The Donald” made his appearance.

Due to Trump’s perception of how cold the courtroom was, he decided to show up today in a parka (size: extra large) and mittens (size: extra small).

Of course this wasn’t just any old parka. It was, as Donald described, “A Hotsy-Totsy number made from the finest Gold Lamé, featuring wonderful dictator worthy epaulets and genuine Carpathian Silver Fox…or was that Faux?… trim. Either way, it’s “the most perfect” coat to wear for your next Jan. 6th Party! Available in a limited quantity, and real steal at $10,000!”

Trump modeled the coat up and down the main aisle. He added a few fancy model twirls before his lawyers finally dragged him into his seat.

Once Judge Merchan entered the court, and after he reminded jurors to pay close attention to the details being presented, the prosecution began their opening statements.

As they laid out the timeline and various aspects of the crimes that Donald Trump committed, Donny was seen whispering to his lawyers and passing them notes.

Apparently being already bored with the proceedings, Trump wondered if his lawyers could play The Sean Hannity Show on the table’s computer monitor.

When told that they couldn’t, Trump zipped up his parka hood and took a nap.

Shortly before defense’s opening statements, Donald Trump™ passed another note around to his lawyers. It was informing them that they’re now to pay him a licensing fee whenever the Donald Trump™ name, or any variation thereof, is used.

He wrote that since a gaggle of Republican flunkies were using his name to gain fame or prestigious political office, and paying him usage fees, so too should his legal team.

Based on how many times Donald Trump’s™ name came up in opening statements, his attorneys will owe far more than what they’ll make from Trump’s™ legal fees.

The first witness called today was Former National Enquirer publisher David Pecker, a longtime friend of former President Donald Trump. Pecker acted as one of the intermediaries who silenced Trump’s dirty little secrets. He is now testifying after being granted immunity.

Here’s some of the transcript from Pecker’s testimony before Prosecuting Attorney Matthew Colangelo.

Attorney Colangelo: “Mr. Pecker, did you pop a plethora of perverse posts for pecuniary profits from a pernicious politician?”

Pecker: “Sir, I sold salacious stories about squabbling schlemiels to suckers!

However, I did pause publishing of pesky put-downs for felonious philanderers who finagled for federal favor.”

Colangelo: “Was it for a pittance that needs remittance?”

Pecker: “No. It was more like oodles to hide canoodles! For which I am still owed!”

(Trump audibly snorted at this comment.)

Colangelo: “Your honor! Let the record show the defiant defendant is delinquent on deposits for his depraved dalliances!”

At this point, Judge Merchan declared this interlocution verbal migraine pollution and adjourned for the day.

As for me, I didn’t get a chance to buy Stinky Pete his fifth, so I might as well sleep for the night in a nearby doorway.

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