Food and Birthdays
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Food and Birthdays
A discussion of foodophiles and foodaphobes.
My wife’s birthday was this past week—and so was her father’s birthday, her mother’s birthday, her sister’s birthday and her aunt’s birthday.
My nieces also had a birthday.
How many people do you know that have birthdays in this past week?
It kind of makes you wonder, given the standard human nine month gestation on pregnancies, if that time between Thanksgiving and Christmas (or Hanukkah) is a bit more than a celebration of food and family…if you know what I mean.
While we’re on the topic of holiday food, let me ease this conversation over to food in general, and in particular, the food quirks of my wife and her father.
Overheard Food Conversation Snippets Between My Wife and Her Father
—> “I don’t eat anything ‘Red’.”
—> “I don’t eat anything ‘Green.’”
—> “Turkey Bacon??? Eeeych. Always go with Pork!” (Says the Jewish man.)
—> “The food in the restaurant was horrible…but you’d like it.”
—> “Watermelon? Eeew. It’s red AND has a weird squeak!”
—> “Look, I get a coupon for Buca Di Beppo and go there to get a to-go of the spaghetti with meatball and meat sauce. That lasts me like 2 days. But since I got meat sauce left over, to that I add more spaghetti to it and then stretch the meal out to five days!”
—> “I don’t like when the food on my plate touches each other.”
—> “I don’t mind when my food touches since most of it has the same texture: Mashed potatoes, gravy…you know, …mush!”
—> “You got old tastebuds. They’re half-dead.”
—> “Look, I get a package of chicken with two breasts, two thighs, and two wings. I only get like two meals out of that.”
“Ed and I get a roasted chicken and after one meal, Ed makes Chicken Salad that we can have for a few days.”
“Yeh, but you guys stretch it out by having green things…what are those called?…uh, vegetables, with the meal. Me, I just eat the chicken…and maybe a slice or two of cheesecake, if I got one handy.”
—> “I’ve lived this long without eating greens why should I start now?”
—> “Look, you wait until after Easter to buy peeps when they’re half off. It’s not like they go stale. I can eat a dozen boxes of those things!”
—> “If my life depended on choosing between eating a cherry Lifesaver and an actual cherry, my fate would be sealed with candy.”
—> “OK I’ll admit it… I do eat one green thing: Canned Baby La Sueur Peas.”
Ergo the inspiration for the following:
I learned to be an omnivore with a wide palate thanks to being an impoverished, starving artist throughout college and for a few years after graduation. I was always moments away from dumpster diving, or contemplating if anyone would really miss that lazy, plump housemate who always sat around on the couch getting high. Lucky for him the oven was too small and I never had enough Heinz 57 Sauce on hand.
Thankfully those lean days are long gone, but personally I think everyone should spend some time in extreme poverty. It teaches you a lot of useful lessons about life, such as to appreciate food…any food.
It also teaches you to see the humor in food phobias.
Maybe that’s why I’m with my lovely wife, on top of making me laugh with her general wackiness, her fussy food idiosyncrasies (and those of her family) are friggin’ hysterical.
Laughter is definitely the key to a happy marriage. That and knowing how to cook so at least one of you can eat a healthy meal.
May you have a great labor day weekend picnic, and don’t forget the watermelon, no matter how much it squeaks.
Until next week,
Ed
Food and Birthdays
My housemate when I was starving (1974) was much too thin and too funny. The fat couch potato down the street was tempting, but he shared his cigarettes, so I had to let him live.
I’m grateful for food, and nutrition.
If it oinks eat it.