Lawn Mowing Season

An Ode to Middle Class Toil.

Benjamin Franklin once said, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."

He obviously didn’t have a lawn around his home. Otherwise he would have added “…death and taxes…and mowing my damn lawn from April until October!”

Here’s a cartoon for those who suffer through this ridiculous practice.

---

Since my wife and I bought our tiny fixer upper a few years ago, we’ve made it our mission to convert as much of the lawn that surrounds the place into either flower gardens, vegetable beds, or fruit bush areas.

I mean let’s be honest, what’s the point of obsessively spending all your money and time on making ostentatious displays of uniformly cut and evenly spread turf?

Is it to show neighbors that you’re so grandiose and wealthy that you can waste a precious resources like potable water?

Whenever I visited my folks in their arid, Southern California digs, it would blow my mind to see some of their neighbors unloading gallons and gallons of water onto tiny patches of lawns. Even worse was seeing the various area golf courses using up the county’s water just so some rich clown can pretend they’re getting exercise.

In my humble opinion, every So Cal golf course should be played on the exact same soil as when the property was purchased.

Of course this would mean every hole would be a sand trap.

Now that’s real exercise! Fore!

Then there’s contending with the general poisoning of the neighborhood and turning a lawn into a toxic waste dump by every dope who thinks spraying a deadly pesticide like Roundup, just to kill a dandelion, will somehow improve their home’s resale value.

However, not to be too harsh on everyone with lawns, I understand sometimes a home owner doesn’t have a choice regarding their lawn maintenance.

Increasingly, home owners find themselves a victim to the extortion that a local HOA or municipality imposes on them, with fines for having a lawn over a certain height, or for grass that’s too sparse.

For example, my father-in-law lives in Kentucky, in one of those neighborhoods where the cops, when they’re not busy with pulling over innocent people for driving while black, will harass and ticket home owners who have grass that is over 6 inches high.

I kid you not. If you’re ever in Kentucky and get pulled over by a cop, ask to see his grass ruler.

Hmm. On second thought, maybe don’t do that. That could go wrong in a lot of ways.

This is why my wife and I made it a point to buy a squalid little house that didn’t have any connection with an HOA. Most of the time those organizations are horrid little fiefdoms run by power-mad schmucks.

Nooooo thank you. My home might be a squalid little shitbox, but it’s my shitbox and I’ll do what I want with it. I don’t need any nosey, part-time realtor Karen telling me how to grow my grass, paint my house, or when I can let my dog dance on my roof in the middle of the night.

In case you were wondering, my dog Zeke prefers his nightly roof dance at 2AM.

The moral here is, too many rules makes for bad neighbors.

Now, getting back to lawns, I say it’s far smarter to grow crops instead of grass around your home, especially at a time when food costs and water bills are skyrocketing.

Would you rather spend money to water your lawn, just so your dog can roll around and crap on it, or would you rather water a garden and reap a nice crop of vegetables with which you can make a bountiful meal to share with friends?

I’ll choose the latter every time.

When harvest time comes, I’ll be sure to invite you over for a garden party buffet.

Just be prepared to wade through the high grasses.

---

Have a wonderful week.

Ed