Me Big Celebrity!
A Monstrous Parody of a Beloved Icon
Last week my pal Jd Michaels posted a wonderful article about being monstrously honest about ourselves.1 The post inspired me so much that I had to create the following as an homage to his genius.
And with any luck I’ve used enough parody to dodge around any IP issues so that a certain litigious corporation doesn’t throw a lawsuit my way.
An Excerpt from “12 Angry Cookies”
SCENE: Eleven jurors are deliberating in a small Jury room. The hour is late, the room is hot and airless, and jurors are tired and aggravated.
JURY FOREMAN: Alright people, let’s have another round of votes to see where we all stand on this case.
(Jurors write their votes on slips of paper which they then fold and hand to the Foreman.)
JURY FOREMAN: (unfolds slips and reads them.) Let’s see…Guilty…Guilty…Guilty…Guilty…Guilty…Guilty…Guilty…Guilty…Guilty…Guilty… COOKIE!
OH FER CHRIST’S SAKE! AGAIN???
(All jurors moan with rancor except for Juror #12)
JUROR #8: I think we all know who cast that vote! (Glares at Juror #12)
JUROR #12: WHAT? Me thought we putting in late night snack order!
JURY FOREMAN: Look buddy! I don’t know about you, but the rest of us are exhausted and would like this to be over! What don’t you understand about this cut-and-dried case? The kid stabbed his creep father, end of story!
JUROR #12: Me no think kid guilty! Me think more about evidence.
JUROR #8: Oh yeh, smart guy? Whadda you got?
JUROR #12: Me look at coroner report. Dead father have cookie crumbs around mouth and on shirt, yet in Police report no mention of Cookie Jar in room!
JUROR #6: What does that have to do with the stabbing? Big deal, he ate a cookie!
JUROR #12: Me also notice lady who said she saw murder from apartment window. She say she eating cookie when she look out window. How she see murder if concentrating on putting cookie in mouth? Me no can do that! Me only focus on cookie!
JUROR #6: Hmm. Never thought of that. What kind of cookie was she eating? I mean, if it was a warm chocolate chip where the chips are sweetly melting into your mouth, I know I’d be closing my eyes to enjoy the taste…
JUROR #8: OH COME ON! The next-door neighbor heard the kid’s immigrant father yell, “You friend underhanded major rookie!" and then the son screamed, “I’ll kill you!”
JUROR #12: Me no think neighbor hear right. Neighbor admit to eating loud crunchy cookie while hear yelling. How he hear over noise cookie make! Me think father actually yell, “YOU FIEND, UNHAND ME JAR OF COOKIE!”
JURY FOREMAN: So what! The son still stabbed the father!
JUROR #12: But here the thing, son no have cookie crumb on face, or have cookie jar when police arrive!
JUROR #4: He makes a good point. I’m going to change my vote.
JUROR #5: Me too.
JURY FOREMAN: NOW JUST HOLD ON! What are you saying Juror #12?
JUROR #12: Me say this simple case of “Cookie Jar Robbery” gone wrong. Father catch cookie thief in act and thief kill father then sneak away right before son come home.
JUROR #8: A Cookie Jar Robbery? Seriously?
JUROR #12: You no understand the power of Cookie. COOKIE ALL POWERFUL! COOKIE BRING GREAT SUGAR HIGH AND ENDLESS JOY! ME KNOW! ME WOULD KILL FOR COOKIE! …AND HAVE! …OH! …ME SAY TOO MUCH!
JURY FOREMAN: I think we need to call the bailiff.
Remember, during this time of year, you should not be scared of the things that go bump in the night. The veritable monsters to fear are the greedy, lying creeps who sit in boardrooms, or who believe their hubris qualifies them for elected office, where they can corruptly hold sway over your life.
Pleasant screams.
Ed
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Me like...
ER- It’s been a minute since I visited cookie monster’s legacy so this is a refreshing find. Anyone else finds that his face somewhat resembles a cookie?