(Editor’s Note: Due to the last couple of comics being a bit too…um… “morose,” we decided that the cartoonist needed the week off. During this time we have rented out this column to the Executive Management of Schlopnick Educational Family Films.)

Re: Advertising Budget Reallocation

Ira Schlopnick
President and CEO
Schlopnick Educational Family Films, LLC

To All Company Employees,
The Accounting Department has brought to my attention that there’s been a re-direction of advertising funds away from our movies currently in release. The funds were used by the Graphics Department to create the following promotional poster for a film whose production I’ve not had time to review nor sign-off on.

Whoever is responsible for this monstrosity, if you come forth now, I’ll be lenient in any disciplinary action on the matter.

+++++++

Re: Rambo First Hernia

Myron Schlopnick
Manager,
Water Cooler Replenishment and Donut Gourmandization Dept.
Schlopnick Educational Family Films, LLC

I apologize, Ira.

I thought you’d appreciate my initiative in acquiring a new movie property for the company.

While I was taking my usual lunch at Hollywood Tony’s Bar and Grill, Stallone walked into the bar during his break in filming. We got to talking about Rambo over a few Vodka gimlets, and next thing you know, I got a solid commitment from him on this project!

However I realized after a few more drinks that I was speaking to his brother, Frank Stallone, and that he was an extra in an Erectile Dysfunction ad being shot in the park across the street.

But hey, it’s a Stallone! Gravitas, Brother, Gravitas!

While we’re on the topic of new properties, I wanted to pitch the following animated film your way…

Now that Winnie The Pooh is in the public domain, I think we can make some serious bank with this! Plus it’ll open our company up to a whole new audience!

Sincerely,
Your Little Brother.

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Re: The Incredible Pooh-Pooh

Ira Schlopnick
President and CEO
Schlopnick Educational Family Films, LLC

Myron, the only thing this will open us up to is an awful lawsuit from Disney, Marvel and the Stan Lee Estate!

By the way, Bev from accounting just informed me that you also misappropriated funds for the attached poster.

Seriously? You spent Twenty Grand on this??? What part of our company name in “Educational Family Films” don’t you understand?

Do I need to go talk to Dad?

Ira

+++++++

Re: Golden Girls is Golden Opportunity!

Myron Schlopnick
Manager,
Water Cooler Replenishment and Donut Gourmandization Dept.
Schlopnick Educational Family and General Entertainment Films, LLC

Come on, Ira, I thought you’d be happy to know I bought this script from Quentin Tarantino!

At least, I think it was Quentin Tarantino. I was at Hollywood Tony’s for lunch again when this drunk walks in saying he was a famous screenwriter willing to trade screenplays for ten grand and free booze.

He also sold me Ilsa, She-wolf of the Social Security Administration.

I got commitments from Sybil Danning and Adrienne Barbeau on both projects, who were, in stroke of amazing coincidental luck, also at the bar!

I’m pretty sure it was them. One of them told me she was in The Fog…or did she say she had a dog? It was hard to tell since they were so smashed.

Still working on the Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren commitments, but I think after two more Gin Rickeys they’ll be on board!

Your Future Movie Mogul Brother,
Myron

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Re: Well Liquored Movie Moguls

Ira Schlopnick
President and CEO
Schlopnick Educational Family Films, LLC

Bev just walked in here and told me that on top of everything else, you also spent $30,000 for this pitch poster!

Considering that half the cast is now dead, how do you plan on shooting this?

Look, little brother, Poppa charged me with running the studio to make nice, safe educational films such as “Polly Learns Table Manners” or our big seller, “Billy Brushes his Teeth.”

Perhaps you should stick to your strengths of changing water jugs and supplying the morning donuts.

Call me “Irate Ira” from now on.

+++++++

Re: The Good Fellas I Met

Myron Schlopnick
Manager,
Water Cooler Replenishment and Donut Gourmandization Dept.
and Future Famous Movie Producer
Schlopnick Educational Family Films and MEGA-BLOCKBUSTERS, LLC

Don’t sweat it, Ira!

Again Hollywood Tony’s is proving to be a goldmine for cinematic networking.

There I was at lunch again, knee deep in my third martini, when Martin Scorsese and Peter Jackson slummed their way through the door of this dive!

I started chatting them up and Marty just begins slinging film ideas at me!

After a few more rounds of Martinis and Boilermakers, both he and Jackson started brainstorming and pitched me this plot:

Frodo and Good Sam run the local protection racket in the Shire. Gandalfi is the Capo they work for, but who ultimately they want to whack so they can take over the local mob. However before that happens, they have to whack Gollum for taking too much of their precious heroin business, which he’s been dealing to the Dwarves and the Orcs.

It was at this point Marty passed out but I was certain this was Oscar worthy. I only had to give Peter and Marty a thousand bucks for the rights! Winning!

As for the dead cast issues, Marty promises me the magic of CGI will handle everything. Marty said that if it wasn’t for that youth-giving CGI, The Irishman cast would have been too ghoulish to watch!

By the way, maybe my glasses need an update, but did you know that Martin Scorsese looks a lot like Quentin Tarantino?

Bringing home the movie bacon,
Myron

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Re: Hollywood Tony’s Clientele

Ira Schlopnick
President… oh why bother….

Myron,
Let’s have a chat with the Chairman tonight. I’m sure Poppa will be happy to put on his steel-toed wingtips in order to school you on the art of Hollywood deal-making.

Ira

(Editor: It was at this point we had to severe our rental agreement with Scholpnick Educational Family Films due to their impending bankruptcy.)

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