When it comes to horror and comedy I’ll admit my tastes can get pretty corny, and when Halloween rolls around they get extra CANDY corny.
On that note, here’s two audio goodies to pop into your plastic pumpkin treat collector.
The first segment of this podcast is all in good fun—and hopefully doesn’t land me in court.
As for the second segment, I had to assure my wife, the hobby gardener, that I wrote this piece almost a dozen years ago and it has nothing to do with her. However I did notice that lately she’s been spending a lot of time sharpening her garden tools. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.
Please enjoy the show.
(For those who want to read along or can’t understand my ridiculous accents.)
The Zombie DR. Wuth Show
SOUND: RADIO DIAL TURNING THEN MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: It’s that time once again for the Zombie Dr. Wuth Show! Sex and Relationship advice for Monsters and their loved ones. Now here she is, fresh from the morgue, Zombie Dr. Wuth!
ZOMBIE DR. WUTH: Velkommen Everybloody! I’m Dr. Wuth, your undead devotee to sex and relationships! I’m here with my new assistant Ted who will be helping me to take your calls.
RIGHT, Let’s get into it tonight, shall we?
Hello Caller, Voo are on der Air! How can Zomibie Dr. Wuth help you?
CALLER: (heavy Breathing. Sound of Wolf howl.)
ZDR: (Sound of disconnect) ACK! I always get der heavy breathers! It must be my ghoul looks! Next Caller!
ASSISTANT TED: Doc It looks like we have a man named “Vlad” on the line 2 for you.
CALLER (Vlad): Helloooo Doctor.
ZDW: Tell me, Vat’s yer problem?
CALLER (Vlad): I’m having a problem vid my brides.
ZDW: BRIDES? JUST HOW MANY BRIDES YOU GOT?
VLAD: Usually 3 to 5, but it really depends on da century. But I’m thinking I might just stick to being a bachelor. Da women today are just too demanding. Blah! My last couple of break ups with have sucked me dry!
Folks may call me a blood sucker but none of dem have met my wives’ lawyers! Oo boy! BLAH!
Thankfully when you’ve lived as long as I have you learn how to bury your valuables in more than one grave, if you know what I mean. HA! HA! HA! But honestly, all I vant is to catch a quick bite with a nice girl and have her not be a crypt-digger!
I tell ya, It’s driving me batty!
ZDW: Vlad it sounds like the next time you’re looking at a pretty neck, perhaps ask the lady for a pen and get her to sign a “Pre-nip Pre-Nup!”
ASSISTANT TED: We’ve got Ann on the line 3 and she’s got question about height differences effecting relationships.
ZDW: Go ahead, Ann. Tell me your problem.
CALLER (Ann): (Woman with Brooklyn accent) Hello Doc. Do you think a big height difference can be detrimental to a healthy relationship?
ZDW: It depends. How much of a height difference are we talking about?
CALLER (Ann):CALLER (Ann): A couple hundred feet.
ZDW: Ah.. I see. Go on…
CALLER (Ann): Well, I wouldn’t mind this big hunk so much since he’s got a nice head of hair, and a body to match, but sometime his jealousy can be too much!
CALLER (Ann): Whenever he sees me even looking in the direction of a man, he goes storming off.
Next thing you know, we have to hash things out, like every weekend from the top of the Empire State Building!
He says it’s the only place where he can gather his thoughts and quietly discuss his problems. Which is kind of a lie when you consider he spends the whole time swatting at planes!
ZDW: Ahhh, it sounds like vat you have is the classic Aggressive/ Accommodating Struggle in a relationship. He gets aggressive, and you accommodate his rages. Dis is a form of emotional abuse the two of your share. You should end things immediately him!
—Just be sure to do this somewhere in New Jersey since I have a nice condo in the building next to the Empire State Building!
CALLER: (heavy Breathing. Sound of Godzilla.)
ZDR: (Sound of disconnect) ACK! I don’t have patience from you Wisehiemers! NEXT CALLER! WHO’S ON THE LINE TED?
ASSISTANT TED: We’ve got Jerome on the line 4.
ZDW: Hello Jerome, Tell me, vat’s yer problem?
CALLER (Jerome): Hi Zombie DR. Wuth. I’m hoping you can help me with my husband. He’s constantly booking surgeries with our Doctor…Doctor Victor Frankenstein. He’s a wonderful surgeon. He’s practically a miracle worker! Anyhow, my hubby is always at his lab, getting a nip here, a tuck there, a new limb, eyeball, whatever.
But no matter what he has done, hubby immediately regrets his decision and goes rampaging through the west village and disrupting the nearest drag performance. It has the local queens so upset they’re threatening to burn down our brownstone! What should I do Dr. Wuth?
ZDW: Ohhhh. Dat is drastic! A real conundrum. Lemme me chew this over with my assistant and pick his brain a bit.
CALLER (Jerome): Oh thank you, Dr. Wuth.
ASSISTANT TED: (intercom): Yes Dr. Ruth?
ZDW: Will you come in here?
(door open sounds) TED: Yes?
ZDW: Come a little closer Ted.
SOUND: Horrible sounds of zombie attacking, screams And them munching sounds. Followed by a burp.
ZDW: —Der dats better. Ted gave me some food for thought on dis matter.
It seems like your hubby has a serious case of Body Dysmorphia. The best thing you can do is give him positive reinforcement. The next time he comes in with a fresh set of stitches, compliment him on the quality of the workmanship and the freshness of the parts.
Do it enough and eventually he’ll be a whole man again, proud to be back out on the dance floor, and doing der Monster Mash.
CALLER” Ohh Thank you Dr. Wuth!
ZDW: Happy to oblige. NEXT CALLER!
CALLER: (HEAVY BREATHINGwith Mooing of cow)
ZDW: AGH! TED YOU HAVE TO DO A BETTER JOB SCREENING THESE CALLS! Ohhh wait…. If you know anyone who wants to break into radio, the Zombie Dr. Wuth Show has an opening.
MUSIC TRAILS OFF.
THE GOOD DEED
While walking home late one day,
I saw an old lady toiling away,
in her yard, where she was gardening.
When I approached nearer
who this was became clearer,
Even though the sky above was darkening.
It was "The Toothless Old Crone”
as local kids would intone.
“She boils babies into broth for her sup!”
Silly children see danger
in every wrinkled old stranger.
She didn’t look that scary closeup.
A small elderly frame
topped by soft greying mane.
She was struggling to dig the topsoil.
I said “Need help with planting?”
She looked up,
Exhausted and panting,
And replied, “Yes, please help my toil.”
She gave me a spade
and I dug with that blade
several holes nearly deep as Lake Erie!
I asked why she needed
such holes to be completed.
She said, “For placing roses, my dearie!”
Aftre my digging this kindly old lass
brought me iced tea in a nice tall glass
for the good deed of my hard shoveled labors.
As my thirst drank it back
she then handed me a sack
and asked if I knew any neighbors.
I said I knew none
and most strangers I shun.
I noticed the sack smelled of tomb.
She said, “be a good soul
and dump these in the hole.
They work Miracles for the best bloom!”
But as daylight fell quickly,
I started to feel sickly,
My limbs were as heavy as stones.
Then I peeped in the sack
and was taken aback!
IT WAS FULL OF SMALL CHILDREN’S BONES!
I shrieked at the sight!
Lost my balance in fright,
and into the hole I was throne!
I looked up from the hole,
as the tea took its toll,
to the face of the Toothless Old Crone!
The last sight I saw
was her toothless maw
hissing a welcome
I hope you enjoyed these dreadful audio treats. I hope you have a wonderful Halloween and avoid all the ghouls and goblins, unless of course if that’s your thing, then go have a graveyard smash. Cheers!