The Holiday Cavalcade of Cheap Laughs

A stocking stuffed with single panels

It’s the most wonderful time of the year—that inspires a slew of comedic schlock.

Now here’s your chance to either enjoy, or be tormented by it. It’s my holiday gift to you.

If you want any prints of these cartoons, shoot me a note and it can be arranged for a couple of shekels.

Points to anyone who immediately gets the following cartoon.

Extra points (and condolences) to anyone who relates to the following cartoon.

If you don’t like Adult humor, turn away now.

I tried to warn you.

---

Honestly I think the Holiday season needs a bit of a refresh. We need new celebrations and new songs that are more current with the times. Here’s a few of my suggestions.

Christmas Carols for the New Owners of an Old Home.

• “The 12 Days of Plumbing”

• “It Came Upon a Midnight Clearing Out Our Bank Account.”

• “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Home Inspector”

• “Go Tell it to The Mountain, The Repairman Said.”

• “Do You Hear What I Hear—Crawling in The Walls?”

Ceremonies for an Insane Country

Road Rage Tree Topping
This is a competition where teams drive at high speed from local tree dealers and on to the nearest interstate highway. While flying down the road, each team has to score points by placing ornaments on their Christmas tree as it is strapped to the roof of the car. The first car to arrive home with a fully dressed tree is the winner. Extra points though can go to a competitor if they manage to place a star on your tree.

Nutcracker Day
This is a celebration just for the ladies! Starting on the week before Christmas, women across the country are given a day where they can happily kick as many men as they want right in the nuts. But in certain Red States, for example such as Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, and Alabama, women are allowed to stretch this holiday out to a week or more.

I’m pretty confident this one will catch on. (Note to self: purchase steel underwear.)

Gravy Boat Races
The less said about this the better, but since there’s far too many rivers in this country where the water is a viscous soup of toxic chemicals, we might as well make the best of things. Plus, it allows Grandmothers everywhere the chance to use their prized sauce boats for more than just the annual Thanksgiving meal.

Elf on the Shelf Nanny Cam Hack-a-thons
Since we live in a nation with far too many nosy people who want to tell each other how to live, this celebration involves allowing Amazon to freely distribute “Elf on the Shelf” eavesdropping cams to every American. The devices are then randomly activated and each video feed is broadcast on either Disney or Netflix. But the real fun begins when subscribers, who think they are safe from broadcast by paying an extra exorbitant “no-broadcast fee,” are in fact actually being spied on by their Ring Cameras, Google Nest, Apple HomePod, and Amazon Alexa devices.

(What? That’s already happening? Remind me to turn off my electricity when I’m done writing this post.)

---

That’s my list of suggested changes to our holiday celebrations. I’m sure you have more than a few to contribute to this dialogue. Feel free to list them in the comments.

Happy Holidays,
Ed